WINDSOR, ON / DETROIT, MI — In news that surprised absolutely no one who has been following the Gordie Howe International Bridge project, officials from both sides of the Canada-U.S. border announced this week that the bridge’s grand opening has been pushed back to the spring of 2038. Again.
For those keeping score at home, the bridge was originally announced in 2012, broke ground in 2018, and has since been delayed more times than a Spirit Airlines flight during a thunderstorm. But according to a joint press release issued by the Windsor-Detroit Bridge Authority, Canadian government liaison teams, and at least four consultants who all needed the billable hours, there are very good reasons for the latest setback, and they would appreciate it if you would please stop making that face.
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Reason #1: A Goose
An endangered species of Canada goose — identified by authorities as “Gerald” — has taken up residence in the concrete formwork near the southbound on-ramp. Biologists from both countries have confirmed that Gerald appears entirely unbothered by the construction activity around him and has, in fact, started aggressively hissing at engineers who approach with clipboards. Experts say disturbing Gerald could violate environmental protection agreements on both sides of the border, and that “Gerald seems pretty settled in, honestly.” Relocation efforts are expected to begin sometime in late 2026, pending the outcome of an environmental impact assessment that Gerald will not be consulted on, though he has expressed his feelings on the matter regardless.
Reason #2: The Two Countries Cannot Agree on Which Direction Traffic Goes
An inter-governmental task force convened in the fall of 2024 to resolve the ongoing dispute about lane configuration on the bridge’s center section, which technically exists in international waters and is therefore, legally speaking, a kind of governance gray zone. Canadian officials insist vehicles should keep right. American officials also insist vehicles should keep right, but want it noted in the official record that they thought of it first. The task force has met 47 times. There are sandwiches at every meeting. No resolution is expected before 2029.
Reason #3: Someone Lost the Receipts
A Freedom of Information request filed by a Windsor journalist revealed that approximately $340 million in project expenditures between 2021 and 2023 are “under review” because the relevant paperwork was stored in a filing cabinet that was, and this is a direct quote from an official government communication, “accidentally composted.” An internal audit is underway. The audit firm conducting the investigation has already invoiced $4.2 million and says it expects to have preliminary findings ready by the third quarter of 2027, or possibly the first quarter of 2028, depending on “scope clarification.”
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Reason #4: The Duty-Free Store Has Not Yet Decided on Its Artisanal Cheese Selection
Construction of the plaza facilities on the Canadian side is technically complete, save for the duty-free retail complex, which broke ground in 2022 and has stalled over a protracted dispute between the contracted vendor and the Windsor-Detroit Bridge Authority about whether the on-site shop should carry aged cheddar from Quebec, artisan gouda from Ontario, or a “curated selection” of both. Lawyers have been retained. A cheese consultant — a real job that a real person now has because of this bridge — has been hired at a rate of $275 per hour to advise on the matter. She is, by all accounts, doing great.
Reason #5: The Computers Are From 2019
The customs and border processing systems originally specified for the bridge’s inspection facilities were purchased in 2019 and have since become so thoroughly obsolete that the software they run is no longer supported by the manufacturer, one IT contractor told us, “kind of like trying to run the bridge on a Dell that still has the Internet Explorer icon on the desktop.” Replacement systems have been ordered. They are expected to ship in 2026. Integration testing is expected to take until 2031. A workaround involving paper forms and a laminator is being evaluated as a backup option.
Reason #6: Everyone Forgot the Bridge Was Named After Someone
In a remarkably awkward moment during a 2023 review meeting, a junior project manager from the infrastructure side asked, and we are not making this up, “Who is Gordie Howe?” This prompted a two-hour detour in which the meeting agenda was abandoned so that Canadian officials could explain hockey to American contractors. A mandatory two-day cultural orientation session has since been added to the onboarding process for all new contractors. The sessions are reportedly excellent. They still haven’t finished the bridge.
Reason #7: The Detroit River Is Being Weird
Hydrologists monitoring the Detroit River near the bridge’s central pylon foundations have detected what one engineer described as “unexpected and frankly unusual riverbed behavior” that has required additional geotechnical studies. When pressed for details, a spokesperson said the behavior was “not alarming per se but appears cars in teh river are banging into the pylons underwater” Asked how long that closer look would take, the spokesperson said it depended on “a number of factors.” Asked what factors, the spokesperson thanked everyone for coming and left the room.
Reason #8: The Ribbon Is on Backorder
The ceremonial ribbon intended for the grand opening — a custom, 45-meter red satin ribbon embroidered with the flags of both nations and the likeness of Gordie Howe delivering a devastating hip check — was ordered from a Chinese specialty textile manufacturer in 2021. The ribbon is currently sitting in a container ship somewhere near the Port of Vancouver, delayed by supply chain disruptions that officials describe as “hopefully temporary” and experts describe as “probably not.” A replacement ribbon has been ordered from a supplier in Ohio. That one is also delayed.
What Happens Now?
Officials from both governments have expressed full confidence in the project and said that the 2038 target is “firm” and “realistic” and “not just a number we picked to get through this press conference.” A revised timeline document is expected to be released to the public in the coming months, once it has been reviewed by all relevant departments, translated into both official languages, reviewed again, sent back for revisions, translated again, and formatted into a PDF that somehow ends up being 340 pages long.
In the meantime, commuters are encouraged to continue using the Ambassador Bridge and the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel, both of which are old and congested but at the very least actually exist in a form that cars can drive across.
Gerald the goose could not be reached for comment. He was sleeping.
